Forgive. Never Forget.

They say erring is human, forgiving is divine. Apologies for starting with such a trite quotation but please receive it in all the scathing sarcasm it has been written with. Lately the newspapers have been going on and on in a similar vein; when they get down to specifics it has unfailingly been about women forgiving their philandering husbands. I really do not think Mrs. Woods has forgiven her husband yet. She is simply devising imaginative ways of making him pay. The public apology, for instance. And rehab. What could be more humiliating? I have a feeling she knows and so will we, in good time. Hillary Clinton. She stayed with her Joey-of-a-husband. Does that mean she has forgiven him? Nope, not if her public behaviour is anything to go by. More power to them, I say. It is simplistic to believe that just because there is no divorce, forgiveness has been had and peace reigns. Money, power and a certain sense of stability have helped women go beyond their husbands' sluttiness.
But never mind that, for I have an issue with the whole business of forgiving and forgetting itself. The art of forgiving is bestowed with so much wonder and awe and sheathed in so much moral righteousness that it makes me balk. Everyone seems to assume, at least everyone in popular media, that forgiving means you carry on with that same philandering spouse, backstabbing friend, abusive partner.
Kidding me? Since when was it necessary to do that? Perhaps I am incredibly cynical, but I can only understand that when circumstances involve money and power. I have seen women turn partially, if not fully, blind when there's a fancy lifestyle involved. I have rarely heard or read of men forgiving their cheating wives and even if they do, the articles are never written in the same reverential tone as when speaking of a woman forgiving her husband. Blah Blah, double standards, blah blah. But honestly, to continue in the same strain as before with the person who humiliated you, gave not a fig for your well-being, showed you such utter disrespect, means you either have a huge financial stake in the relationship or have obligations in the form of children. If you say it's your emotional stake in the relationship that keeps you from picking yourself up, do yourself a favour and recognise a low self-esteem when its staring you in the face. Can you stay happy and at peace with a cheating spouse, a partner who denies you to the world or a back-stabbing friend?
Articles written on forgiving leads me to believe that its basic nature is misunderstood by most. You never forgive for the other person; you forgive only for yourself. You forgive to let out poisonous hatred, to purge yourself of self-pity, to be able to move on and not carry the baggage into a new bond you hope to build with another spouse/partner/friend. You forgive for yourself. It is possible, it is remarkable when achieved, and that's the time when you can even be friends with the person who betrayed you. Can you forget? Impossible isn't it? The betrayal might not be on your mind 24/7, but can you wipe its very last vestiges from your memory? Can you create a blank pocket there? Not in the least. I have made long strides in the path to forgiveness and with my parents, I have been beautifully successful. Of course, they have also made up for various traumas inflicted upon me, intentionally and unintentionally, in many ways, from direct apologies to unflinching support for whatever dream I have wished to pursue. Today, we love each other better than we used to, simply because we have given each other space in which we could grow to have an adult understanding of each others' personalities. In other words, I've grown out of viewing my parents as just my parents and my parents have grown out of seeing me as an extension of them. Most significantly, this happened because we have lived apart for over seven years. I mean that in all sincerity without a trace of sarcasm, or even irony.
So can that necessary space grow if you are carrying on with that same person who caused you so much grief and humiliation? I am a total believer in forgiving, but not in forgetting. In my experience, whenever I have forgotten, I have been hurt all over again. Words are not to be believed, action is to be experienced. I have reached the conclusion, the old-fashioned hard way, that no good ever comes from staying with someone who vows “you are my world” but still needs a fix elsewhere. No good every comes from staying with someone whom you have bared your soul to but tramps all over your self-esteem in the slyest ways possible just to keep you under his/her thumb. No good ever comes from being treated like a complete nobody in front of people by someone who claims “you are everything to me” and “who are they to know anything about our special bond”.
Do yourself a favour and ask them to Fuck themselves. Learn to recognise their sly, insidious attempts at emotionally blackmailing you and doing their darndest to keep you exactly where you are – grovelling, pleading for better things to come, being available to them whenever it suits them, and pointing out the trifles they give you as signs that they do indeed love you. They have sly ways of keeping your self-esteem where it is – at a low point – so that you are ever-dependent on them.
Must you forgive? Of course. In order to move on and find something better, more wholesome and more equal. As for forgetting, memories can be mitigated, certainly. But the asshole who doesn't even acknowledge that he/she has done you a wrong and that making amends is necessary … that is one memory I would never mitigate. I would hold that person up as a lesson to myself.